I was taught if we’re born with love then life is about choosing the right place to put it.
People talk about that a lot, feeling right, when it feels right it’s easy. But I’m not sure that’s true. It takes strength to know what’s right. And love isn’t something that weak people do. Being a romantic takes a hell of a lot of hope.
I think what they mean is, when you find somebody that you love, it feels like hope.

—The Priest, Fleabag

Happy sweltering July. Shall we dare to turn our ovens on?
Lately, the dizzyingly chaotic state of the world has begun to uncharacteristically affect my bakes.
Usually, I seek refuge in creation. It is an escape hatch from the parts of my brain that handle my day-to-day demands. It is a coping mechanism that is familiar, well-worn after a decade.
Three pastry projects this month didn’t pass my quality control checks; they were unappealing for one reason or another. None were particularly ambitious, just dull.
I suspect it’s related to the disorganization in my mind and the gravitational pull of stress—which has reached an all time high now as I apply to residency—distorting my inspiration and motivation.
Between that and how unstable the world seems right now, my emotions are bubbling up to the very edge of the pot.

From a show that I have rewatched countless times; whose creator I have literally framed on my wall; that makes me cry and laugh and pathologically rewind, a scene emerges, narrowly bumping by the hundreds of others filed away, to front of my mind (spoilers below for Fleabag S2, beware!).
Fleabag, at her mother’s funeral, tells Boo that she has all of this love and doesn’t know where to put it, now. Her best friend, greedy in her boundless generosity, immediately offers herself up to receive it.
This flashback being shown after we understand Boo’s death is more poignant, as we see Fleabag left with all of that love, yet again.
One of the woven threads of the story is Fleabag realizing that the only person who can hold all of her emotions, her flaws, her humanity, is herself—even when those feelings are so overwhelmingly intense.
We watch her move through relationships within the plot, and we proffer our cupped hands to catch whatever seeps through the fourth wall to us. That is, until the end, when we watch her, the weight of her emotions no lighter on her shoulders, leave us for herself.
I understand this so deeply that my soul reverberates almost painfully, somehow reaching a powerfully resonant frequency with a fictional character. I have always been one to feel things too deeply, to have emotions that are unwieldy and untidy.
I have safe, soft, gentle places and people to receive them; but at the end of the day, they are borne of and belonging to me.

So, somehow, these frustrations and failures led me to a place of persistent comfort, a place to express my stress and pour my emotions: a five part, over-the-top, complicated recipe with finnicky bits and all, made even more difficult by the weather that is directly contradictory to some of its most crucial parts.
(Read: drying and crisping the choux, stabilizing the whipped cream, and getting the white chocolate to set.)
These little towers are not just simple cream puffs; they boast their own name in the pantheon of patisserie. These are religieuses, so named for the plump nuns they are said to resemble.
In truth, they are just one decapitation away from being choux au craquelin.

These ones are built from my most trusty choux recipe, from Serious Eats, that is sturdy and barely sweet, adorned with buttery, sugary craquelin that melts in the mouth.
A thin, crisp shell of pistachio white chocolate is painted over top, and they are filled to the brim with pistachio white chocolate crème mousseline, nutty and smooth.
Fluffy whipped cream makes up the frills of the habits, and hidden within is a little pocket of sticky raspberry preserves.
In spite of the copious amounts of butter in these nun-buns, they are light and lovely.

Stacking the teeny choux brought me a sense of balance and peace, even if the baking created an unholy apartment-oven that my air conditioner could barely combat. Butter and sugar conquer all, after all.

Anyways, as Hot Priest says, I’d spend 40 days and 40 nights in that dessert.

Pistachio, Raspberry, and White Chocolate Religieuses 
makes 12 medium sized buns
choux au craquelin recipe from Serious Eats

ingredients:
for the choux:
240 grams (1 cup) whole milk
85 grams (6 tablespoons) butter, cubed
10 grams (2 teaspoons) sugar
1/2 teaspoon sea salt
128 grams (4.5 ounces, 1 cup plus 2 teaspoons) AP flour, sifted
4 eggs

for the craquelin:
110 grams (4 ounces, 1/2 cup packed) light brown sugar
113 grams (8 tablespoons) butter, cubed
1/4 teaspoon sea salt
110 grams (1 cup less 2 teaspoons) AP flour

for the pistachio white chocolate fondant:
120 grams (4 ounces) white chocolate
15 grams (1 tablespoon) pistachio paste/butter
tiny drop green food coloring

for the pistachio white chocolate crème mousseline:
440 grams (2 cups) whole milk
100 grams (1/2 cup) sugar
30 grams (3 tablespoons) cornstarch
1/2 teaspoon sea salt
4 egg yolks
45 grams (3 tablespoons) pistachio paste/butter
113 grams (4 ounces, 8 tablespoons) unsalted butter, divided into 1 tablespoon and 7 tablespoon portions
30 grams (1 ounce) white chocolate
tiny drop green food coloring

to assemble:
raspberry jam
120 grams (1/2 cup) cold heavy cream
2 tablespoons powdered sugar

directions:
Make the choux au craquelin: first prepare the craquelin: whip the butter and sugar and salt together until fluffy.
Mix in the flour until a paste forms.
Roll it out between two sheets of parchment to 1/8 inch thick and place in freezer.
Once hardened, cut out 1-inch and 3-inch rounds and keep in freezer.
Meanwhile, make the choux batter: place water, milk, butter, salt, and sugar in a pot over medium heat.
Sift the flour while the butter melts.
When the water comes to a light simmer, dump all the flour in at once and immediately stir with a rubber spatula or a wooden spoon until the flour absorbs the water.
Cook, stirring briskly, until there are no dry patches and little oil droplets are showing up on the bottom of the pan (a spoon should stand up straight when stuck in).
Transfer to a bowl and allow to cool for 10 minutes.
Whisk the eggs together extremely well, until they are entirely homogeneous.
Place in the bowl of a stand mixer fitted with the paddle and begin to mix on low-medium speed.
Slowly stream in the eggs, allowing each addition to fully incorporate.
Stop adding eggs when the dough is pipeable, shiny, and smooth.
Place in a piping bag fitted with a round tip.
Preheat oven to 375 degrees F.
Onto a baking sheet fitted with parchment paper, pipe 1-inch round dollops.
Top each with a little craquelin disc.
Place in oven and bake for 30-40 minutes, until puffed and dry.
Remove from oven and poke a hole in the bottom; allow to cool completely in the turned off, cooled oven.
Make the crème mousseline: whisk milk, sugar, and sea salt together.
Whisk egg yolks briskly with cornstarch until combined, then whisk into the milk mixture.
Place over medium-low heat and begin to constantly whisk while cooking.
Once pastry cream has thickened significantly, pull off of heat and stir in the 1 tablespoon portion of the butter.
Allow to cool completely.
Make the white chocolate topping: gently melt white chocolate until 75% melted.
Carefully add the pistachio paste and green food coloring and stir until combined.
Transfer to a small bowl that will fit your choux buns, then dip each baked bun carefully into the chocolate.
Allow chocolate to harden completely.
To finish the crème mousseline: once the pastry cream is cooled, whip remaining 7 tablespoon portion of butter.
Slowly fold in the pastry cream until homogeneous.
Melt the white chocolate gently, then stir into the pastry cream along with the pistachio paste/butter and a drop of green food coloring if desired.
To assemble, fill each bun with crème mousseline using a small round piping tip.
Whip cold heavy cream with powdered sugar until stiff peaks form.
Using a star tip or a sultan tip, pipe heavy cream onto larger buns.
Add a small dollop of raspberry jam in the center, then top with a smaller bun.
Pipe a small star onto the small bun, then top with a raspberry.