I felt very still and very empty,
the way the eye of a tornado must feel,
moving dully along in the middle of the surrounding hullabaloo.

Sylvia Plath

I want to say that I am feeling and living in shades of grey. I am, to some extent.
The ache within me makes my soul feel like freshly-poured concrete, sludgy and lusterless.
At the same time, every piece of my migrainous surroundings is nauseatingly bright—so loud, so busy, so alien.
For me, the transformation of grief has been less of plunging a red-hot knife into cold water and more of a smothering blanket leaving ashen shadows of a fire. Even when I manage to melt into the world around me, I am keenly aware of the blinding, choking smoulder threatening to pour forth from my mind.
Everything feels dramatic, feels boring, feels important, feels pointless. I am suspended in a slippery mixture of nihilism and carpe diem that leaves me little purchase on sanity and reality.

My dad makes a tart that has a crushed chocolate wafer crust, a whipped ricotta filling, chocolate shards, and kumquats on top.
It is one of my very favorite and most nostalgic desserts. Though I am, as a rule, not a chocolate person, the combination of bittersweet chocolate and citrus is irresistible to me.
I wanted to reimagine that tart as a baked rather than no-bake dessert.
I wanted a rich ricotta filling that would slice cleanly and a chocolate crust that was sturdy enough to support it, both acting as a flavor backdrop to zingy little kumquat slices. The flavors of this tart, and the process of creation, brought a small measure of comfort in the memories they evoked.

This tart has a dark, rich crust made of cocoa pâte sucrée, touched with espresso powder for depth.
Inside is a creamy ricotta and mascarpone filling, with a whisper of honey and cinnamon.
The crowning glory, of course, is the ring of honeyed kumquats, which pack a beautiful bitter-sour-sweet punch.

Notes on the tart:
This is a pâte sucrée, so it is like a sable cookie crust—you will be whipping the butter and sugar together, so you want the butter to be soft and room temperature, unlike other types of pastry.
The dough can be made ahead and refrigerated either as a disk or rolled out and placed into your tart pan.
Everything for the filling needs to be completely at room temperature, or you risk your ricotta or mascarpone going grainy.
If your ricotta is loose or very watery, it is wise to drain it with cheesecloth over a sieve until it is drier.
The tart will greatly improve with a longer refrigeration period after baking, to allow the cheese filling to settle. At minimum, set aside 3 hours for chilling, but you can really leave it overnight and it will only get better.

A note on the candied kumquats:
Taste your fruit before deciding on what type of candying you’re going to do.
This batch of kumquats was sweet and sour with very little bitter flavor. Because of this, I didn’t have to blanch or boil the kumquats and a quick-candy would do. If your fruit is bitter or has a thicker peel, I would recommend blanching in boiling water once or twice before candying.

Ricotta, Kumquat, and Chocolate Tart
makes 1 8″x3″ deep tart or 1 9″ tart

ingredients:
for the pâte sucrée:
150 grams (10 tablespoons) butter, softened
1/2 teaspoon salt
120 grams (1 sifted cup) powdered sugar
1 egg
1 egg yolk
1/2 teaspoon espresso powder
260 grams (2 cups) flour
60 grams (1/2 cup) cocoa powder

for the ricotta filling:
360 grams (1 1/2 cups) whole milk ricotta, room temperature
90 grams (3 ounces) mascarpone, room temperature
65 grams (1/3 cup) sugar
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 egg, room temperature
1 egg yolk, room temperature
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
2 teaspoons honey
1/4 teaspoon cinnamon

for the honeyed kumquats:
100 grams (1/2 cup) sugar
120 grams (1/2 cup) water
1 tablespoon honey
1 pint kumquats, washed and sliced thinly

to decorate:
90 grams (3 ounces) mascarpone
teaspoon powdered sugar
mint leaves, as desired

directions:
Make the pâte sucrée: whip butter, salt, and powdered sugar together until smooth and fluffy, about 3 minutes.
Add the egg and egg yolk in and whip again until homogeneous and shiny.
Add the espresso powder, flour, and cocoa powder and gently stir to bring together.
Knead a few times to ensure the dough is cohesive, then wrap in plastic wrap and refrigerate for at least 30 minutes and up to 2 days.
When you are ready to bake the tart, roll dough out to 1/4 inch thickness and drape into a deep 8″ tart pan.
Using scraps, patch any holes and press the dough firmly into the pan.
Dock with a fork.
Refrigerate again.
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.
Line tart pan with parchment or buttered aluminum foil and fill with beans or rice.
Bake for 15-20 minutes, until fragrant and set.
Meanwhile, make the filling: place all ingredients for the filling into a food processor and process until very smooth.
Pour into the parbaked crust and bake for an additional 30-35 minutes, until the top is browned and puffed but the center is still slightly jiggly (but not liquid).
Remove from oven and allow to cool completely.
Refrigerate tart for at least 3 hours, preferably overnight.
Make the quick-candied kumquats: bring water, sugar, and honey to a boil in a small pot.
Pour boiling hot syrup over kumquat slices in a small bowl to cover.
Allow to steep for at least 2 hours; can be saved in the fridge for up to a week.
To decorate, whip mascarpone and sugar together and pipe as desired onto the tart.
Decorate with the candied kumquats and mint leaves.