The other day, someone politely informed me that I was a terrible writer, with a sneer and a laugh.
I had no response.
I spluttered and mumbled. “Oh.”
I was saddened by the fact that I felt so bothered and upset by such breezy criticism.
I was sad that I was sad. A cheery circle of life, no?
Anyways, this prompted me to sit down at my computer, poised and ready to write a beautiful post, one that would surely impress this person, should they ever bother to read my blog again.
I’ve been sitting here ever since. Sort of. I have been dwelling on this, more than I really should be.
This post has lain blank, while my mind churns with all the things I want to shout say.
What better place to rant than here on my very own blog, on the ever-so-private internet? Actually, I don’t want this to be private. I want it to be shared and sent around, all around, despite its intimate and private contents- I want it to make its rounds through people’s inboxes and readers. This is because I want it to have some impact. I want people to remember how others feel when they make them feel bad about themselves, because sometimes we just don’t think before we speak. We all forget too soon how we have felt when we are sad and broken. We’ve all been on both ends of a less-than-kind comment, and I won’t hear otherwise.
I mean, honestly, as if I needed yet another thing to pick at inside me.
Another sore place where I feel I’m not good enough- another place which I scratch until it bleeds, until I drown in all of that bloody sorrow and regret and self-loathing.
I struggle to grasp at confidence; I do my best to act it, even when I don’t feel at all confident within.
There are a few things that I am (was?) confident about, and one is my baking and my blog.
I toil here, probably more than you think, to create a product of which I can be proud.
I love my blog. And I love my readers.
And frankly, I put enough work in here that I don’t really care if someone thinks I’m a terrible writer.
But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt when they tell me that.
To be honest, I’m not confident enough that it doesn’t make me doubt myself and my intentions.
I still came back to this blog with the thought that perhaps it’s not worth it, or not good enough, that people don’t like to read it.
I worried about this blog, and I worried about myself.
So couldn’t that snide comment have been left to the wayside?
Because where exactly did it leave me?
Extra critical and picky over this blog.
Worried and worrying about what others think of me, not only myself, now, but also my blog.
Worried not only about how other bloggers receive me, but also my readers.
If we spent half as much time loving and appreciating as doubting and critiquing ourselves, don’t you think we- and this world as a whole- would be that much more satisfied and happy?
Wouldn’t we be that much more willing to love others? To overlook their faults and embrace them? Don’t the majority of our criticisms and anger stem from our own sadness? I lay in bed last night, feeling the cool air from my open window wash over me, wrapping around my ankles and resting in the crook of my elbows, flooding my nose and cooling the back of my throat, thinking about self-appreciation and love. My thoughts- harboring hate self propagates; sow seeds of love and harvest happiness. The happier we are with ourselves- the more comfortable in our own skins- the brighter and happier our futures will be. I want my future to glow- to shine- bright enough to blind. That starts with loving myself. That starts (anew) here.
To conclude this, I’m giving you the recipe for a cake that loves you back.
It’s raw, vegan, sugar-free, gluten-free, and much lower in fat than most other raw desserts.
I’ve swapped in low-fat coconut milk and coconut, reduced the amount of nuts used in the crust and filling, and added a vegetable.
Zucchini! That magical veggie which we are all guaranteed to have too much of in the coming weeks, as the plants churn out hundreds of little green squashes.
This cake boasts healthy fats from coconut, avocado, and walnuts.
It gets all of its sweetness from bananas, mangoes, dates, and a touch of stevia.
It’s pretty, and it’s yummy.
It’s a hug for your stomach, which is pretty much as close as I can get to giving any of you a hug.
A Cake That Loves You Back
for the crust:
1/2 cup walnuts
1 cup coconut (I used reduced fat)
6 fat and juicy dried medjool dates, pitted
2 tablespoons coconut oil
for the banana layer:
2 bananas, peeled and chopped, then frozen
1 medium zucchini, peeled
1 scant cup of cashews, picked over and soaked in cold water for at least 2 hours
juice of 1 1/2 lemons
1 teaspoon stevia extract
for the mango layer:
2 cups chopped, frozen mango
1 cup light coconut milk
Make the crust: pulse all of the crust ingredients together in a food processor until they form a uniformly coarse meal.
Press into the bottom of a 9-inch springform pan.
Make the banana layer: in a blender or food pro, puree the cashews until very smooth.
Add in the rest of the ingredients and puree until very, very smooth, at least a couple minutes.
Spread over the crust and chill in the freezer until set.
Meanwhile, make the mango layer: in a blender or food pro, puree the mango and coconut milk until a thick, sorbet-like mixture is formed.
Spread over the frozen banana layer, then chill again until the whole thing is set.
Before serving, allow it to sit at room temperature to temper, then cut and serve.