Each year is like putting a new coat over all the old ones.
Sometimes I reach into the pockets of my childhood and pull things out.

—Simon Van Booy, “Little Birds”

Happy birthday (to me, from me).

My birthday has always been a trial. There isn’t a year that haven’t cried at least once, all twenty eight of them.
Even the year my mom made princess hats for myself and my guests: I remember in the days leading up being so excited, seeing the hats line up in the basement as they marched out from beneath my mother’s clever fingers. And yet, as the day arrived and I was crowned the birthday party princess, I melted down, spectacularly.
I can understand that little girl so well now that it aches. The deep melancholy of anticipation come to pass, the fleeting nature of a single day, the bare desperation for the world to turn exactly, precisely the way I wished it would.

It’s a day where eyes swivel briefly to rest on me—filled with the expectation to be happy, to celebrate, to let loose. Ever an uneasy fit.
This year in particular, I fear the thinness of my life will become obvious when held to the light of those candles.
I laugh as I share that my birthday will be spent doing laundry, taking out my recycling, and trying to work my neck above water so I have room to sink over the next week. I pretend it is charmant to shoulder things, because there is no choice but to. The intensity and mundanity of my loneliness embarass me.

I have no wish for this birthday. In truth, I would give a thousand, thousand lifetimes of wishes to undo this past year.

This cake is inspired by a new indulgence I have been treating myself to and enjoying in my own company: a cold brew coffee with pistachio milk from The Sisteryard, which is the quiet, cavernous cafe in the Frick.
It’s smooth and nutty and, being that coffee and walnuts are the classic pairing, a little unexpected.
The pistachios are grassier, sweeter, and the combination is less bitter, rounder around the edges.

The cake here is made with ground pistachios and a hefty dose of strong coffee, producing a soft, tight-crumbed sponge.
A handful of plums are macerated to draw out their dark, sticky juice, then gently stewed until they form a thick jam to be spread between the layers of cake.
My favorite Italian meringue buttercream, fatty and fluffy, with pistachio butter stirred through it marries the two.
The dried flowers on the outside are red amaranth and immortelle (Italian strawflower).

I like that the garden fairy whimsy on the outside is matched with coolly sophisticated flavors on the inside.

Birthdays, previously:
27
26
25
24
23
22
21
20
18

Pistachio, Plum, and Coffee Cake 
makes 1 3×6″ cake

ingredients:
for the pistachio-coffee cake:
60 grams (1/2 cup) whole pistachios
225 grams (1 cup plus 2 tablespoons) sugar
225 grams (1 cup, 2 sticks) butter, softened
230 grams (1 3/4 cup plus 2 tablespoons) flour
1 tablespoon baking powder
3/4 teaspoon salt
4 eggs
30 grams (2 tablespoons) milk, warmed
15 grams (1 tablespoon) boiling water
2 tablespoons instant coffee

for the plum jam:
300 grams (3 medium) plums, ripe
100 grams (1/2 cup) sugar
big pinch salt
1 teaspoon lemon juice
5/8 teaspoon pectin
1/4 teaspoon calcium water

for the pistachio Italian meringue buttercream:
3 egg whites
1/2 teaspoon salt
150 grams (3/4 cup) sugar
345 grams (3 sticks, 24 tablespoons) butter
30 grams (2 tablespoons) pistachio butter

directions:
Make the plum jam: slice plums into eighths and mix with sugar, salt, lemon juice, and pectin.
Set aside for 1 hour to macerate.
Then place on low-medium heat and cook until broken down, about 20 minutes.
Stir in 1/4 teaspoon calcium water (make sure to follow the instructions on your pectin).
Set aside while you make the cake.
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.
Butter and flour 3 6″ pans.
First, mix warm milk, boiling water, and instant coffee together to bloom; set aside.
Place pistachios and sugar in a food processor and process until the nuts are broken up into a fine powder (watch closely that it doesn’t turn into nut butter).
Add the butter, flour, baking powder, salt, and eggs to the food processor and pulse until the batter has started to form.
Scrape the sides of the processor.
Add the coffee mixture down the chute while running the processor; stop immediately after it is incorporated.
Pour into prepared pans and bake for 22-25 minutes, or until a tester comes out with a few moist crumbs.
Allow to cool completely, then cut off the domed tops.
Meanwhile, prepare the Italian meringue buttercream: place sugar, salt, and water into a pan over medium heat.
Begin to whip egg whites on high; once the sugar syrup comes to 240 degrees F, the egg whites should be at soft peaks.
Slowly stream the hot syrup into the whipping egg whites, being extremely careful to not splatter the syrup.
Whip on high speed until the meringue has cooled to close to room temperature (or fully room temp, if your butter is completely at room temp).
Add butter one piece at a time, whipping until fully combined.
Mix in pistachio butter on medium speed.
Tint the frosting as desired with gel food coloring.
Crumb coat the cake and refrigerate for at least 30 minutes or until crumb coat is completely hardened.
Frost as desired.