What they don’t understand about birthdays and what
they never tell you is that when you’re eleven, you’re also ten,
and nine, and eight, and seven, and six, and five, and four, and
three, and two, and one…

Because the way you grow old is kind of like an onion
or like the rings inside a tree trunk or like my little wooden
dolls that fit one inside the other,

each year inside the next
one.

—Sandra Cisneros

Today, I am twenty-five, and twenty-four, and so on.
Today, my trunk bears the marks of a quarter century of weathering changes, disruptions, and growth.
Inside my mind, there still exists a kindergartener, anxious about trying new things; still a high schooler on the cusp of bad decisions; still a college student finding her way in the world.
Inside my heart, I am very much still the little girl who can’t bear to say goodbye without feeling torn in two, yet I am also a woman who has left toxic relationships behind, and now, I’m becoming a person whose career is centered around compassion and empathy.

The answer, if someone were to sing me, “are you one/are you two/are you three” is emphatically yes, I am one, and two, and I am all of it, every year-minute-moment-mistake-triumph, and it is all me.

Twenty-five, in the ever so casually misogynistic culture in which we live, is supposed to be the beginning of the fall from grace for people who identify as women. I shouldn’t want to be 25, shouldn’t have been rounding up my age for the last 2 months with such nonchalance. I should have dreaded today, the 16th of September.

Because twenty-five means your beauty starts to “wane,” as perhaps your first wrinkles begin to suggest themselves; 25 and the expected next steps of marriage and children seem both too close and too far to satisfy anyone including yourself.
25—you are halfway through what everyone claims are the most important and fun years of your life, and so you are supposed to have your life together but still be the Cool Girl, still supposed to fundamentally understand the zeitgeist of youth but expected to somehow be elegantly floating above it.
You are supposed to look at the 20 year olds nearest you with both deep disdain and bitter envy.
This is a ridiculous, useless, shallow, perverse game that I refuse to buy into. It is designed so that everyone loses.

Still, as much as I want to say I feel none of that societal pressure, I will admit I felt a pang of stress/melancholy/guilt when I settled into the twenty-fiveness of this moment. It passed, as most things do.

First, because I began to think about how much I have to be thankful for, and what luck and privilege it is to be momentarily struck by regret about my age, about seeing another year, in my twenties no less.
Centering myself back on gratitude has been a theme in 2020, and one that is not easily achieved. As I considered all the Good Things with which I can start my 26th trip around the sun, I was also struck by the smallness of it all against the magnitudes of suffering that’s going on right now across our country and planet.
With that, as a birthday gift to myself, I’m choosing to donate to the California Community Fund’s Wildfire Relief Fund and to Tony La Russa’s Animal Rescue Foundation. The financial information about each via Charity Navigator is here: CalFund, arf.
I respectfully invite you to do the same, or to another charity of your choice, even if it’s just one or two dollars.

So, birthday cake: always a Good Thing.

This cake isn’t a true pavlova, but it has crisp layers of the fluffy meringue inside, stacked with comfortingly cozy coffee walnut cake and complex burnt coffee caramel buttercream. Plenty of salt and fresh fruit help maintain balance, though the final cake is certainly indulgently sweet.

The recipe is long and rather involved, but if I had to choose a single component, it would definitely be the burnt coffee caramel buttercream. It has so many bittersweet layers to it, and an intensity that doesn’t leave you immediately, but lingers on the tongue.

To assemble the cake, I used acetate strips and a cake ring à la Momofuku Milk Bar, but you could easily just layer the cakes and meringues like a regular cake—I’d just pop the frosting in the fridge for a few minutes before using it so that it firms up a smidge.
You’ll have lots of coffee walnut cake scraps left over, but do not despair—I can reassure you they are amazing plain with a cup of tea.
I should know. I ate all of mine in that exact manner. Happy birthday to me.

Birthdays, previously:

24
23
22
21
20
18

Coffee, Walnut, and Burnt Caramel Meringue Cake
makes 1 6-layer 6-inch cake
cake portion adapted from Nigella Lawson via NYT
caramel adapted from Sally’s Baking Addiction

for the coffee walnut cake:
60 grams (1/2 cup) walnut pieces
240 grams (1 cup plus 3 tablespoons plus 1 teaspoon) granulated sugar
225 grams (2 sticks, 16 tablespoons) unsalted butter, softened
230 grams (scant 2 cups fluffed and spooned) flour
1 tablespoon baking powder
1 teaspoon kosher or sea salt
4 eggs, room temperature
30 grams (2 tablespoons) whole milk
4 teaspoons instant coffee dissolved in 1 tablespoon (15 grams) boiling water

for the pavlova layers:
150 grams (3/4 cup) granulated sugar
big pinch salt
3 large (84 grams or 3 ounces) egg whites
3/4 teaspoon vinegar
3/4 teaspoon cornstarch
1/4 teaspoon almond extract
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract

for the burnt coffee caramel sauce:
100 grams (1/2 cup) granulated sugar
45 grams (3 tablespoons) unsalted butter
60 grams (1/4 cup) heavy cream
1 tablespoon instant coffee
1/2 teaspoon salt

for the burnt caramel Italian meringue frosting:
2 large egg whites
hefty pinch salt, to taste
100 grams (1/2 cup) sugar
60 grams (1/4 cup) water
225 grams (2 sticks, 16 tablespoons) unsalted butter
2/3 recipe burnt coffee caramel sauce, above

to assemble:
acetate strips
6-inch cake ring
fresh fruit, as desired
remainder 1/3 of burnt coffee caramel sauce, above

directions:
Make the cake: preheat oven to 350 degrees F and grease and flour 2 quarter-sheet pans or 1 half-sheet pan (alternatively, you can make these layers in 3 6-inch round pans).
Place walnut pieces in the bowl of a food processor and pulse until finely ground like flour.
Add sugar and pulse a few more times to combine.
Add in the butter and process until smooth paste has formed.
Add the flour, baking powder, salt, and pulse a few times.
Meanwhile, dissolve the instant coffee in 1 tablespoon boiling water and mix with the milk.
Add the eggs one at a time to the food processor and pulse until incorporated.
Slowly drizzle in the milk and coffee mixture and pulse to combine.
Scrape the sides of the bowl one last time, then pulse a final time to ensure homogeneity.
Spread the batter evenly into prepared pans.
Bake for 15-20 minutes, rotating halfway through.
Cakes will be ready when they are springy to the touch and golden brown.

Make the pavlova: carefully trim parchment paper to fit in 3 6-inch round pans, with a circle for the bottom and a rectangle for the sides.
Preheat oven to 250 degrees F.
Place eggs, sugar, and salt into the bowl of a stand mixer over a pot of simmering water.
Whisking constantly, bring egg white mixture up to 160 degrees F.
Place in stand mixer with whisk attachment and whisk until stiff peaks form; add vinegar, cornstarch, and extracts and whisk to combine.
Use a tiny swipe of meringue to affix the parchment paper linings to the pans.
Place meringue in a piping bag with a large round tip and pipe into prepared pans.
Place in oven and bake for 2-3 hours, turning the heat down to 175 degrees F after 1 hour.
Pavlova should be dry, crisp, and not sticky.
Allow to cool inside the turned off oven with a spoon propping the door open.

Make the burnt coffee caramel: place granulated sugar in a small pot over medium heat.
Heat up cream gently in microwave; stir in instant coffee until dissolved.
Once sugar reaches a dark caramel, stir in cream mixture; caramel will splutter.
Add in the butter and salt and whisk constantly until caramel sauce is emulsified.
Allow to cool completely.

Make the Italian meringue buttercream frosting: place sugar and water in a small saucepot over low heat.
Place egg whites in the bowl of a stand mixer fitted with a whisk attachment.
Begin to whip egg whites while the sugar syrup cooks; the egg whites should reach medium-stiff peaks at the same time as the syrup comes to 240 degrees F.
Carefully pour the sugar syrup into the whipping egg whites.
Whip until cooled to room temperature, then slowly add 1 tablespoon of cool room temperature butter at a time.
Whisk in 2/3 of the cooled burnt coffee caramel sauce.
Add salt to taste.

Line a 6-inch cake ring with a strip of acetate.
Place a cake round in the bottom of the ring, then layer on the buttercream.
Top with a pavlova round and another layer of buttercream.
Repeat until the top layer; then swirl on the remaining burnt coffee caramel sauce.
Allow to set in the fridge for at least 30 minutes, until the frosting is set.
Top with fresh fruits as desired!