“I’m afraid of getting older”, that’s what I learned to say
‘Cause society has given me the words to think that way.
The message spins and spirals, “Don’t get saggy, don’t get grey”
But the soft and lovely silvers are now falling on my shoulders.

My mother and my grandma, my great-grandmother too
They wrinkle like the river, they sweeten like the dew
And as silver as the rainbow scales that shimmer purple blue.
How can beauty that is living be anything but true?

So let gravity be my sculptor, let the wind do my hair,
Let me dance in front of people without a care.

—Incomprehensible, Big Thief

Happy birthday to me (from me).

Ringing in the last year of my twenties without much fanfare: in all truth, I’ve been saying I’m 30 for the past 6 months or so, because it feels fairly tedious not to round up, even when rounding up means a full 1-2 years.
Over the past week leading up to my birthday, the concept that 28 and 29 feel rather old and 30 feels young has very much resonated with me. A fresh, round number versus the last prime age in this decade.

Many times, my posts stay untitled until the very last minute. This one, while firmly still in draft phase, bore the title “T-minus” for a while. The idea being that I am now a ticking time bomb hurtling towards the end of this phase of my life, poised to explode.
But really, what luck I have to spend another trip around the sun, and what self-indulgence to think that life could be fundamentally altered by a number I mostly use when filling out forms.
I feel very young (in part thanks to the delayed gratification that is the pursuit of physicianhood), and I also feel very worn, and tired, and old. Neither feels different today at 29 than yesterday at 28. Nor, particularly, from 27.
Birthdays feel small and insignificant and, truthfully, pitiful when measured against loss, grief, and days when life really did change all at once. I don’t think any holiday or celebration goes by that registers any more than a slight blip on the scale of my emotions any longer. Certainly, this one didn’t, though birthday love and cheer is never not warm and lovely to feel.

This little periwinkle number is mostly just a lemon cake, with a few subtle twists.
First, the cake is a rich butter cake flavored with lemon in 3 ways: zest, juice, and yogurt. Once out of the oven, it is brushed with a citrus syrup. I used one of my absolute favorite TJ’s finds of late, their yuzu-green tea spread, which is gorgeous stirred into tea or with cheese or, indeed, on cake, but a simple 1:1 lemon sugar syrup would do just fine.
A thin layer of fig butter sandwiches between the cakes next, providing a very subtle depth and crunchiness (!), and the whole affair is frosted in my go-to fluffy Italian meringue buttercream.
I am still irresistibly pulled to lambeth cake designs in all their detail and fancy.

Birthdays, previously:
28
27
26
25
24
23
22
21
20
18

Lemon Fig Layer Cake
makes 1 3-layer 6-inch cake

for the cake:
300 grams (2 1/2 cups) flour
2 teaspoons baking powder
1/4 teaspoon baking powder
225 grams (1 cup) butter
350 grams (1 3/4 cups) sugar
1/2 teaspoon salt
zest of 1 lemon
3 eggs
3 egg yolks
120 grams (1/2 cup) full-fat lemon yogurt
1 tablespoon vanilla extract
90 grams (6 tablespoons) buttermilk
15 grams (1 tablespoon) lemon juice
15 grams (1 tablespoon) milk

for the Italian meringue buttercream:
4 large (110 grams ) egg whites
200 grams (1 cup) sugar
60 grams (1/4 cup) water
3/4 teaspoon salt
450 grams (4 sticks, 2 cups) butter, cut into 1-inch pieces

to assemble:
lemon simple syrup or yuzu green tea spread
fig butter

directions:
Make the cake: preheat oven to 350 degrees F and grease, line with parchment paper, and flour 3 6-inch pans.
Whisk flour, baking powder, and baking soda together and place aside.
Begin creaming butter on low speed.
Meanwhile, rub the sugar, lemon zest, and salt together with your fingertips to release the lemon oil.
Add to the butter and whip until fluffy, light, and no longer gritty.
Add in the eggs and egg yolks one at a time while mixing, then add the lemon yogurt and mix just a few more times.
Whisk vanilla, buttermilk, lemon juice, and milk together.
Add the dry ingredients alternating with the wet, then scrape the sides of the bowl and mix a few more times until fully homogeneous.
Portion into prepared pans and bake for 18-20 minutes, until a toothpick comes out with only a few moist crumbs.
Allow to cool completely.
Meanwhile, prepare the Italian meringue buttercream: place sugar, salt, and water into a pan over medium heat.
Begin to whip egg whites on high; once the sugar syrup comes to 240 degrees F, the egg whites should be at soft peaks.
Slowly stream the hot syrup into the whipping egg whites, being extremely careful to not splatter the syrup.
Whip on high speed until the meringue has cooled to close to room temperature (or fully room temp, if your butter is completely at room temp).
Add butter one piece at a time, whipping until fully combined.
Tint the frosting as desired with gel food coloring.
Torte the cakes and brush generously with lemon syrup or yuzu green tea spread.
Spread a thin coat of frosting on top, then add 3 tablespoons of fig butter on top of that; stack the next layer on top.
Repeat, stopping after the syrup on the top layer.
Crumb coat the cake and refrigerate for at least 30 minutes or until crumb coat is completely hardened.
Frost as desired.